Internet spaceships are SERIOUS BUSINESS.

“This game is ruthless…”

– Eve Online troll-beggar

Somewhere space miner cuts up asteriod into his ore hold, staring mindlessly at dancing laser light (except not, but what is fun in breaking stereotypes?). Somewhere tears flow, because space pirate blows up victim that wanted a quick jump in low security system to get skillbook. Somewhere large battle commence in matrix slowdown, as overloaded server node enters controlled lag. Someone is getting scammed via fake contract, someone is getting betrayed, someone is getting killed, someone compete vicously on free market, where almost everything is player-found or player-made. Somewhere troll says wise words for utterly wrong reasons on newbie npc corporate chat during regularly scheduled trollfest.

Welcome to…

EVE ONLINE

Nice beginnings, ends in screaming death.

Rule #1: Don’t fly anything that you can’t afford.

You are capsuleer – quite literal ubermensh that defeated death thanks to technology. You begin career as miner (lowest in food chain, terribly boring but low, steady income) or missioner (doing missions for npc). These ways are easiest and experienced players often scoffs at “carebears” that do these things, but most people eventually join player corporations. Or pirate in low security areas. Or participate in faction wars making bajilion ISKs (currency of game). Or go deep in lawless regions, to join one of more-or-less great aliances. Or explore. Or fight together against npc pirates in raids incursions. There is a lot of things to do, as game is very big and can be a little… hard to learn.

Four biggest npc factions rules over empire space and player can belong to one of them. Additionally many other major and minior npc organizations exists, including cool pirate factions (for some reason Sansha get most love). Of course, many player corporations/aliances/coalitions are also present, ever-changing. Universe of Eve, or rahter its solar systems, are divided by their security status. Here, let me instruct you about basic difference between high security, low security, null security and wormhole space:

And now you know.

In high security space (npc-controlled) unprovoked agression against other players will end up with police (called CONCORD) intervention. Low security space is full of hairy, naked, fat russians just waiting to raep you. Null sec (where players can control systems) alliances are good old Mafia. And wormholes, well. Anything goes.

We will stab, backstab and backstab again for good measure.

If battle was fair, something went horribly wrong.

Eve Online have quite a reputation as universe of cut-throat, merciless competition. Gaming press and portals regularly feature various stories about crazy stunts and horrible things done in Eve that would be hard or impossible to do in most other MMORPGs. Great betrayals and treachery. Corporate espionage and theft of gigantic sums. Money embezzlement. Battles with losses in thousand real life dollars due to simple mistake. This game is ruthless indeed.

Reason is simple: in Eve Online a lot of things are allowed that would get you instabanned somewhere else. This, of course, causes great amount of drama, fear and complete paranoia, including, among other things, real-life tries to sabotage other player internet conenction(!). This cartoon says it all.

Conclusion.

Don’t trust anyone, especially your alts (characters from your other accounts).

Every and each one immortal capsuleer is, by lore, design and game incentives, wanna-be omnicidal raving psychopathic mass murderer with God complex already before you even complete basic tutorial. Paranoia is valid tactic, scamming is way of life, and piracy is completely unironically and sincerely considered honest occupation. It goes without saying such game had to be reviewed here.

Go on. Become one of us and get inevitably, hilariously killed.

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Hello Kitty Online

Cute is justice.

There was never more truly horryfying thing.

Want to enter pedophile paradise? World seen in twisted mirror, where cuteness is measure of power and influence? Things that makes no physical, biological, political, economic or any sense whatsoever?

Look no further. Welcome to mad, mad world. Welcome to Hello Kitty Online.

Hello Kitty Online

OwMySanity is being born.

JIn HKO children are trained from youngest age to follow and embrace ideas of corporate fascism.udging by avaliable avatars during character creation, you are either anime mutant or drug junkie. With this in mind, it became obvious how game starts: after death from overdosing one of vast arsenal of drugs provided by Badtz-Maru, you start journey through personally-taliored Hell full of things that you hate. Including instant gratification AND lack of thereof. How it is even possible?

First circle of that hell is Dream Island (former Pitcairn Island – previous tenants for some reason sold it very cheaply and got out in hurry), where you learn to play and have glimpses of things to come, including Devil Eternal Dear Leader Hello Kitty herself (already? talk about, yes, instant gratification). When you start real game, everything is taken away from you and you are dumped on Sanrio Harbour to became beach hobo. I’m sure there is some lesson in that.

By the way, nick of my character, OwMySanity, is homage to this webcomic. Other future instances of this nick in other MMOs may be me too. Or not. Who knows?

Embrace the system.

GDamaged Cowebs: 4 done, 128 to go. KILL. ME. NOW.ameplay reality of HKO reflects Hell fairly accurately. You can’t die (sounds kinda familiar…) – as everyone else here, including monsters. You just put them to sleep, like your favourite hamster when you were kid, with that difference hamster did not came back. Jobs taken by you are in majority annoying errands. Making needed things on your own is often included. Crafting system shows some promise, unfortunately destroyed by other failings of this MMO.

EcMy home after raid of Hello Kitty goons.onomy is capitalism with circulating money and standard services. It is pretty ruthless – NPCs met in game almost always will give you tasks involving their business before you can start with something resembling care for relatives or other values that don’t involve money. Remember, friendship is just number to met. As cherry on the top serve regular nagging from game to buy items from virtual shop, leading to blank page.

Prostrate before Queen!

HELLO KITTY WATCHES YOU

Mtrollkittyanager of this warped, illogical reality is titular Hello Kitty, ruling with iron fist, painted in pink hearts. Apparently she have some secret special project. One can only shudder in fear imagining what unbelievable evil she is planning.

Last we heard of First √úbercat, she was personally dealing with massive case of civil unrest in New York. It is only question of time when she will command troops to shoot civilians.

Execution.

Extreme form of castration is practiced punishment for dissidents, troublemakers and other undesirables.Hello Kitty Online is worst grinding hell ever, punctuated by screams of despair and terribly unbalanced play. Running in circles bashing same group of mobs over and over… or alternatively making them happy over and over with your, uhhh, “sparkler”… or gathering weed over and over in hope of 10% chance drop… following repetive, linear and boring storyline… who the hell could thought it would be fun?

I will not even mention plethora of smaller issues, like requirement to launch HKO with administrative privileges or notorically unreliable logging.

Even nudist fights cannot make up for it all.

Screw that, I’m going home. And I won’t be looking back at this piece of steaming bovine matter byproduct.