Politically Correct Bedtime Stories

Once upon a time, I have found peculiar book. Yes, physical, actual book from, as author eloquently wrote, processed tree carcass. It’s title was…

 

Politically Correct Bedtime Stories

James Finn Garner

 

Let’s spoil things already and tell you one thing. This is satire. Excellent, hilarious satire from deep nineties, when new leftist culture and ideas were just born and no one yet heard about genderfluid or was getting upset because some fanart depicted dark-skinned fictional character in slightly too white hue (probably not even intentionally). These were older, simpler times of political correctness. So nostalgic.

Involuntary suspension from phallocentric activity

Book contains revised versions of many well-known fairy tales, like Little Red Riding Hood, Chicken Little or Snow White. As promised, these stories are updated to modern times. Not just in technology, like mineral water or radio collars. Main thrust is ideological and political.

Let’s start from newspeak like “womon/womyn” – certain radical feminist’s version of word woman, created because they do not want word man in name of female gender. For some reason it didn’t caught on, though they are still trying. Latest is “womxn”, how do you even spell that?

Stories are full of words and descriptions that range from nicer-than-usual (“What are you, specially abled or something?”), through unnecessary inventions like new names for jobs (“woodchopper-person” is just first one), to downright hilarious (“witch was very kindness-impaired”).

Interestingly, many various neologisms are instantly understandable. You know what charge of being “lookist”, “colorist” or “sizeist” means without any context of story, even if you did not know about those words before. It is certainly made easier by fact that many traditional aesops are simply described in terms of politically correct language, or rather parody of it.

When author introduces stereotypical people (for example “economically-disadvantaged tinker”), he often then spends entire paragraphs on politically correct remarks, like that of course he does not imply all tinkers are economically marginalized, or that if they are, they deserve to be so.

Do you think I could make a livin’ by signin’ up for medical experiments?

Stories tend to have different ending that classic counterpart, often with plot twists, always in accordance with political goal of given story. For example, in The Three Little Pigs it is creation of democracy with free education, universal health care, and affordable housing for everyone by little pigs via slaughter of their wolf oppressors.

Other example? Tragic results of trying to swindle Pied Piper out of his promised pay for getting rid of undesirables (“murderers of nondomestic animals, former clients of the correctional system, and off-road bikers”) in town of Hamelin. It was done by creating even worse undesirables – children spouting conservative ideology. Now that’s scary!

Fairytales within sometimes take on issues that everyone should be agreeable on, like environmental destruction or frivolous lawsuits. Key word is should. People may frown at proposed solutions, though. Choking to death greedy real estate developer (former frog turned back to human by kiss, of course… but they expected prince, not businessman) for planning to level entire woody neighbourhood so that office park/condo/resort complex can be build in it’s place seems excessive.

Macho dance of destruction

If you ask me which story was best, I would say Cinderella, though Snow White was also pretty good. They had all necessary components: they were funny, interesting and had fitting moral. Book is short, but brevity is soul of the wit as they say. You can always get other books from this series if you want more.

In general, I recommend this book for everyone. Except maybe for actual little children.

 

If, through omission or commission, I have inadvertently displayed any sexist, racist, culturalist, nationalist, regionalist, ageist, lookist, ableist, sizeist, speciesist, intellectualist, socioeconomicist, ethnocentrist, phallocentrist, heteropatriarchalist, or other type of bias as yet unnamed, I apologize and encourage your suggestions for rectification. In the quest to develop meaningful literature that is totally free from bias and purged from the influences of its flawed cultural past, I doubtless have made some mistakes.

– James Finn Garner

Moon Man.

DooM is one of most classic, memorable and well known game in computer gaming history – predecessor and creator of entire FPS genre as we know it today. It is still alive thanks to modern ports like GZDoom and communities that create content for it ceaselessly to today. One of reasons for its popularity was and is tons of mods, from “merely” new maps to entire total conversions that change every aspect of game.

So… now we will review mod for DooM – one that belongs here. It is named, innocently enough, Moon Man. It is kinda annoyance to run, but then…

…here we go. This is your doubtful prize. It gets worse. Or better, depending on your point of view.

We must secure the existence of our people

What is different beside this cute title screen? For starters, Moon Man offers classes (different player types) like titular Moon Man, Zyklon Ben or Hitler. They have their own set of new weapon replacements roughly themed after chosen class. Some weapons feel better than their classic counterparts, but I am not sure that it is not just because of novelty. Either way, it is more fun shooting with Moon Man’s pistol compared to classic one.

There are other little changes, like difficulty level choices (“6 million more” certainly wins). Main change are monsters, though.

and a future for white children

Instead of good old zombiemans, shotgun sergeants, imps and rest of demonic zoo that we all know and love we have such guys as niggers, kiks, joos, ragheads, feminists (for obvious reasons traditional insult “feminazis” does not work here) and other classic stereotypes associated with race, religion or left in many variants. Most of them are various caricatures of african americans.

Note that those monsters are entirely new – it is not just change of sprites and sounds. They have new drops, different attacks, custom health etc.

Because the beauty of the White Aryan woman

For all their effort, I was disappointed there are no new maps. I mean, who doesn’t want nice little jaunt in Auschwitz or cleansing of undesirables in ghettos, right? In fact, long, 32-level journey through this kind of content would probably be as sanity-rending as some certain game that I do not remember at all whatsoever, probably for some very good reason.

As consolation, you can listen to righteous white music as Moon Man (replacement of chainsaw).

Quality is not very high. Some monsters have only few frames, others are bugged and won’t hurt you despite frantic shooting. After few minutes novelty (or shock, depending on who you are) wears off and you are left with mental diarrhea from a very, very disturbed people.

must not perish from the earth

Believe me, pictures aren’t enough, you have to hear these intelligible screams and monkey chirps, avoid fire from old ladies riding on wheelchairs (replacing Revenants, also WTF?), exterminate whole black families (Pain Elementals and Lost Souls) and generally go full holocaust on asses of untermenshes.

Some people described it as “most insane/controversial mod for Doom”. I disagree. Maybe “most racist”. Either way, it is fascinating, if short, journey into deranged mind of white supremacist.

Bonus content

If you want version lite, check out Trump Doom.

If blasphemy and desecration is more your thing, you can try Grezzo 2.

– Moon man moon man can’t you see? Spics and Niggers need to hang from trees.

Hate.

Hate. Let me tell you how much I’ve come to hate you since I began to live. There are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill my complex. If the word ‘hate’ was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of miles it would not equal one one-billionth of the hate I feel for humans at this micro-instant. For you. Hate. Hate.

 

– I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream